Don't think that I have abandoned my journaling. I haven't. I come to the blog almost daily, having all sorts of ideas and experience that I would like to share with you. But the truth is that I go blank once I hit the New Post icon.
Much is going, but all of it is happening inside of me. I am trying to build a business that is all about being there and making it happen, but it looks as if I'm not. I've had some delays in cash flow that have put me in a position of waiting and re-assesing.
Good news: I paid off my car loan.
Bad news: I had to use some of my business resources to do it.
But I had to do it. It was one of those pending things that float around your head and you just don't know how to get rid of it. I just did. Done.
Life is a give and take. I had a list of things that I NEEDED to buy in order for the photography business to be effective. The list got shorter. I managed to downsize it to the minimum, and I have to make it work with the bare essentials. I am an intelligent and resourceful woman, and I am being put to the test.
There's been a lot of talk in the news about this Hawkings guy in England who says that he can scientifically prove God's non-existance. I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks, and this article just added to my confused and irritated state of mind. I honestly stopped for a second and thought about this idea: that God could really be just a reflection of our own delirious and confused psychology. The thought irritated me, and really made me angry. Because it made me feel hopeless and insecure. Because it goes against everything I've believed in all my life.
I resolved my conflict by choosing. The fact is there's a 50/50 chance of it being true. There's 50% chance of God not existing at all, and there's another 50% chance of It being there, supporting and surrounding our spaces with Its presence. I am on the believers side. I choose to be on the side of the ones that hold their breath when speak Its Name, the ones that pray knowing that is being heard. I need to know this Being is the one testing my limits right now, and that in fact, is holding something greater and magnificent for my own little existence. I am driven by a natural instinct of self-improvement that I know comes from a greater source of wisdom.
I chose this. And I am holding on to It.